Oh yes, it is here again. It feels like not too long ago I was saying this same thing. School is back rearing its ugly head, or its opportunities depending on how you look at it. Anthony and I will no longer have a social life for the next five months. Well, six for him. My schooling starts off slow, fortunately, unlike poor Anthony who is already spazing over math. Normally my classes don't take place every weekday, but this semester my schedule worked out so I don't have any class only on Wednesday. When I'm not in school, I'm at work, or I'm buried in my self-proclaimed studio churning out the projects. The one good thing about our sailors having school every day is that they have the rest of their time for homework and studying. Most sailors do not have a job to go to after class, and its a good thing too. I'm sure it would have a negative affect on their grades. This can also be bad thing for their mental state, too. Too much school and too little free time creates a very stressful environment for our sailors. Sure, that's half the point, and part of the reason why the Naval schooling is structured this way; to create optimal conditions to break down our boys and girls and reshape them to eat, sleep, and breathe Navy. Not the optimal conditions for learning. Heck, even our public school system has it down a little better.
Regardless of the gravity of the material being tought, students need a healthy place for mental growth. Sorry ladies and gents but this is not the place, and the designers of the program know that very well. They set up the system to burn out our sailors on purpose. Some take it very well, some don't even notice, and some see right through the charade and find themselves trapped within the binds of a contract they wish they could burn. Even a select few take all the problems they already have and mesh with with their new problems, march right on up to roof and leave them all behind. It's true that some people just can't handle it. Its such mind play its almost sickening. Hmm, design an educational program that will break down everyone's mental structure and then lecture them to not do drugs or kill themselves. Kind of counter productive, eh? Why not just have a better learning environment? Ah whats the use, I already when on a speech like this before. So to spare you all the agony of reading it again I'll move on.
Anthony and I started our semesters on the same day, ironically. I have one class that I haven't been to yet and its the only one that intimidates me. If a class about communications design scares me I can't even imagine how much Anthony's schooling would scare me. I can't fathom the amount of courage he and his fellow sailors must need for this. Far more than what I'm capable of I'm sure. Leading up to the start of the semester, being away from each other was particularly rough on us both. If it wasn't taking it's toll before, it definitely is now. We wonder how we can say we have a relationship if we never see each other for months and months. Neither of us want it to leave each other behind so we're still sticking together. Only one more year and I'll be able to join my sailor in his adventures. Until then we will try our hardest (and hopefully it won't take too much) to stay here for mutual support and occasionally prop ourselves up against each other when we're at our lowest points.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Oh, So That's What This Is
The emotions are still reading as if I was bipolar. One minute they're up and cheering and the next minute they're down in a puddle of tears on the floor. No, ladies, it's not PMS. Not yet anyway. This almost violent change in my mental state of being, I feel, is the result of a kind of separation anxiety. Not the kind that a child gets from being away from it's mother, but the kind that arises from the sudden disappearance of the only driving force behind you, besides your own self-esteem. That may seem a bit dramatic, but when you don't have much in the world but one person and a collection of die-cast cars, this weighs in a little heavier. Sure I have more than that; a place to live, a vehicle for transportation, a cellphone for contact, a computer for even more contact, schoolwork and the like, a wardrobe of bargain clothing (quite savvily shopped for I might add), a personal chef (aka mom) and the head of the family (aka dad). All these things are taken for granted, everyday of every year since the day I was born. Only later in life did I realize these things are valuable. However, these valuable things are not what are pined for everyday of every week since the day of June 5th, 2012.
Not even close. Truly, the most valuable thing of all I have had for the least amount of time. In retrospect, it has grown more rapidly and with more fire than all those seemingly less important things. Young love maturing over time, growing together with the strength of an uncanny bond; in short, Anthony. This is the most valuable thing of all; the love shared between two people that was just reaching its cruising altitude. Suddenly, with little warning, the most tiresome of strains was put on this bond. Over the time since that day in June the bond was tested in ways that still aren't quite comprehensible. The effects of the trials are still being deciphered, and will continue to be as new challenges are brought forth. Now it seems like the challenge will never end, but only increase in difficulty. The bond that has been stretched across over 600 miles is still holding strong. It stares into the face of what tries to tear it apart and simply smiles. It knows better than to let the things that scare it most get the better of it. The bond takes two people to keep strong, and unknowingly to both parties, they are prevailing through one of the toughest predicaments young love can find itself within.
Long distance. What I have is a long distance relationship. Phew! There I said it! Those words have not left my lips in that order, nor has it dawned on me that's what this is until very recently. I have been pondering what was the cause of my recent emotional fluctuations. I would be normal one day and very depressed the next; even to the point where I was considering the possibility that Anthony and I would not survive the strain of being separated. Then the next day I would be perfectly happy. In my quest to find an answer to my distress I discovered, by some intervention of God, that I had a long distance relationship. Only He knows why I didn't realize this before. I assume it was because I was still excited about the whole Navy thing to even notice. Buying Navy Girlfriend shirts, teddy bears in fatigues, and car magnets that say I <3 My Sailor to the backdrop of a Dixie cup had me floating on a cloud, far above the reality of the situation. Once the hype of the situation died down and school was in recess for the winter, did my mind slowly come down to Earth.
In that coming down to Earth my brain realized that things weren't quite the same. It didn't know what to do with the new situation either. There is no school, no Anthony, just work and free time. Seems like the life for some people. For me, it is an emptiness with which I am not familiar. So my brain took it upon itself to find a way to cope with this new reality. I feel my mood swings were the result of my brain trying to figure out which balance it should use as the new operating mode. It would mess around with the wiring and mix of chemicals in there to see which combination provided the best conditions for healthy brain activity. Anthony and I could pick up on the drastic changes in mood from day to day. Though, I think it is still experimenting in there, the changes have decreased in intensity. I think that is a good sign that we are moving in a good direction. Hopefully, soon, I will have a new balance and be able to be on a steady emotional path until the next big change comes. Whatever it may be or whenever it may come, I'll be ready.
Not even close. Truly, the most valuable thing of all I have had for the least amount of time. In retrospect, it has grown more rapidly and with more fire than all those seemingly less important things. Young love maturing over time, growing together with the strength of an uncanny bond; in short, Anthony. This is the most valuable thing of all; the love shared between two people that was just reaching its cruising altitude. Suddenly, with little warning, the most tiresome of strains was put on this bond. Over the time since that day in June the bond was tested in ways that still aren't quite comprehensible. The effects of the trials are still being deciphered, and will continue to be as new challenges are brought forth. Now it seems like the challenge will never end, but only increase in difficulty. The bond that has been stretched across over 600 miles is still holding strong. It stares into the face of what tries to tear it apart and simply smiles. It knows better than to let the things that scare it most get the better of it. The bond takes two people to keep strong, and unknowingly to both parties, they are prevailing through one of the toughest predicaments young love can find itself within.
Long distance. What I have is a long distance relationship. Phew! There I said it! Those words have not left my lips in that order, nor has it dawned on me that's what this is until very recently. I have been pondering what was the cause of my recent emotional fluctuations. I would be normal one day and very depressed the next; even to the point where I was considering the possibility that Anthony and I would not survive the strain of being separated. Then the next day I would be perfectly happy. In my quest to find an answer to my distress I discovered, by some intervention of God, that I had a long distance relationship. Only He knows why I didn't realize this before. I assume it was because I was still excited about the whole Navy thing to even notice. Buying Navy Girlfriend shirts, teddy bears in fatigues, and car magnets that say I <3 My Sailor to the backdrop of a Dixie cup had me floating on a cloud, far above the reality of the situation. Once the hype of the situation died down and school was in recess for the winter, did my mind slowly come down to Earth.
In that coming down to Earth my brain realized that things weren't quite the same. It didn't know what to do with the new situation either. There is no school, no Anthony, just work and free time. Seems like the life for some people. For me, it is an emptiness with which I am not familiar. So my brain took it upon itself to find a way to cope with this new reality. I feel my mood swings were the result of my brain trying to figure out which balance it should use as the new operating mode. It would mess around with the wiring and mix of chemicals in there to see which combination provided the best conditions for healthy brain activity. Anthony and I could pick up on the drastic changes in mood from day to day. Though, I think it is still experimenting in there, the changes have decreased in intensity. I think that is a good sign that we are moving in a good direction. Hopefully, soon, I will have a new balance and be able to be on a steady emotional path until the next big change comes. Whatever it may be or whenever it may come, I'll be ready.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Happy New Year! Well, Almost
Hello 2013!
We welcome 2013 as it brings us one step closer to having our sailors come home for good. My celebration to bring in the new year was just me and my friend at her house drinking together. Then we stole her roomate's pots and a couple metal spoons and banged them outside with her neighbors. We came back inside to find we had made a million little dents on the bottoms of the pots. Woops! Let's just put those back...maybe he won't notice. While my new year was relatively calm Anthony's was even more dull, standing watch right through the new year without a whoop or holler to be heard. I felt so bad for the poor boy. No drinks with his buddies, not even a noise maker or a tv to watch the ball drop in Times Square. Hey, at least he is still in the same time zone so I could text him when it happened. My poor Anthony all alone at the dawn of the new year, I was so sad.
I suppose he made up for missing new year's by taking a short road trip with his buddy to his hometown in Tennessee. Anthony has never been there so he was definitely up for the trip. It takes about five hours to get there but they stopped along the way to get lunch. At Hooters of all places. Anyway, they stayed at the parent's house of Anthony's friend. They sound like very kind, very hospitable southern folk. I'm glad Anthony was treated so well and gave them respect in return. Anthony has always had good manners around new people, especially parents and people he wants to be accepted by. I'm also glad that Anthony has made good friends like this one, friends that can take him to new places and expand his view on life. I think this was a very good experience and I hope he gets to do it again soon.
Now for the drama. If you would like to stop reading now I would not be offended. While Anthony was on this trip he did not keep in very much contact with me, if at all for the first day or so. My boy was going on a road trip and he did not tell me anything about how they were doing, what they were doing, and when I asked he was very shady about it. I called him the first night of his trip to no answer, no callback, just a text saying goodnight after I sent one. The next day was also silent until I broke it and asked him what he was doing the previous night. He did tell me that he was sightseeing and that he would like to take me there one day. Harmless, right? Seemed rather odd to be doing that type of thing at night in the dark but I shrugged it off. That night when he called he informed me that he stayed at his friend's friend's house that previous night. That also seems odd. Why not stay at your buddies' parent's house like you said you were? When I asked him what he did earlier (the same day he called) he just said, "stuff." Um, ok, that explains alot. This whole thing grew fishier by the minute.
The next day I was rather concerned and had to confront Anthony and get the story on what was happening. So far I had only known was he was doing from the Facebook posts of his friend's mother (who I am already friends with). I texted him simply saying I would like to hear more about what he did on his trip. No attitude, just honest curiosity. I also said that this trip seemed a little sketchy to me. All I got was "nope". Um, ok? Just nope? Later that night when he called I got a little loud in expressing my concern over his simple "stuff" and "nope" replies to my inquiries. He then went back into his journal, that I got him for Christmas, and proceeded to read back to me everything he did, hour by hour for the past three days. This was more than I wanted from him, now mocking me for asking harmless questions. I have noticed lately that Anthony has been getting a little snippier when I have trouble understanding him.
The conversation ended with us on good terms, we laughed and talked about other things, and moved on from this subject. We talked about it briefly, cleared the air and laid it to bed. I said that all I wanted to know was what he was doing, not in a controlling way, just out of curiosity. When I get short answers like I did that is when the flags are raised. Hopefully, next time I'm a little curious about what he's up to he won't take it the wrong way.
We welcome 2013 as it brings us one step closer to having our sailors come home for good. My celebration to bring in the new year was just me and my friend at her house drinking together. Then we stole her roomate's pots and a couple metal spoons and banged them outside with her neighbors. We came back inside to find we had made a million little dents on the bottoms of the pots. Woops! Let's just put those back...maybe he won't notice. While my new year was relatively calm Anthony's was even more dull, standing watch right through the new year without a whoop or holler to be heard. I felt so bad for the poor boy. No drinks with his buddies, not even a noise maker or a tv to watch the ball drop in Times Square. Hey, at least he is still in the same time zone so I could text him when it happened. My poor Anthony all alone at the dawn of the new year, I was so sad.
I suppose he made up for missing new year's by taking a short road trip with his buddy to his hometown in Tennessee. Anthony has never been there so he was definitely up for the trip. It takes about five hours to get there but they stopped along the way to get lunch. At Hooters of all places. Anyway, they stayed at the parent's house of Anthony's friend. They sound like very kind, very hospitable southern folk. I'm glad Anthony was treated so well and gave them respect in return. Anthony has always had good manners around new people, especially parents and people he wants to be accepted by. I'm also glad that Anthony has made good friends like this one, friends that can take him to new places and expand his view on life. I think this was a very good experience and I hope he gets to do it again soon.
Now for the drama. If you would like to stop reading now I would not be offended. While Anthony was on this trip he did not keep in very much contact with me, if at all for the first day or so. My boy was going on a road trip and he did not tell me anything about how they were doing, what they were doing, and when I asked he was very shady about it. I called him the first night of his trip to no answer, no callback, just a text saying goodnight after I sent one. The next day was also silent until I broke it and asked him what he was doing the previous night. He did tell me that he was sightseeing and that he would like to take me there one day. Harmless, right? Seemed rather odd to be doing that type of thing at night in the dark but I shrugged it off. That night when he called he informed me that he stayed at his friend's friend's house that previous night. That also seems odd. Why not stay at your buddies' parent's house like you said you were? When I asked him what he did earlier (the same day he called) he just said, "stuff." Um, ok, that explains alot. This whole thing grew fishier by the minute.
The next day I was rather concerned and had to confront Anthony and get the story on what was happening. So far I had only known was he was doing from the Facebook posts of his friend's mother (who I am already friends with). I texted him simply saying I would like to hear more about what he did on his trip. No attitude, just honest curiosity. I also said that this trip seemed a little sketchy to me. All I got was "nope". Um, ok? Just nope? Later that night when he called I got a little loud in expressing my concern over his simple "stuff" and "nope" replies to my inquiries. He then went back into his journal, that I got him for Christmas, and proceeded to read back to me everything he did, hour by hour for the past three days. This was more than I wanted from him, now mocking me for asking harmless questions. I have noticed lately that Anthony has been getting a little snippier when I have trouble understanding him.
The conversation ended with us on good terms, we laughed and talked about other things, and moved on from this subject. We talked about it briefly, cleared the air and laid it to bed. I said that all I wanted to know was what he was doing, not in a controlling way, just out of curiosity. When I get short answers like I did that is when the flags are raised. Hopefully, next time I'm a little curious about what he's up to he won't take it the wrong way.
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