Oh, So That's What This Is

     The emotions are still reading as if I was bipolar. One minute they're up and cheering and the next minute they're down in a puddle of tears on the floor. No, ladies, it's not PMS. Not yet anyway. This almost violent change in my mental state of being, I feel, is the result of a kind of separation anxiety. Not the kind that a child gets from being away from it's mother, but the kind that arises from the sudden disappearance of the only driving force behind you, besides your own self-esteem. That may seem a bit dramatic, but when you don't have much in the world but one person and a collection of die-cast cars, this weighs in a little heavier. Sure I have more than that; a place to live, a vehicle for transportation, a cellphone for contact, a computer for even more contact, schoolwork and the like, a wardrobe of bargain clothing (quite savvily shopped for I might add), a personal chef (aka mom) and the head of the family (aka dad). All these things are taken for granted, everyday of every year since the day I was born. Only later in life did I realize these things are valuable. However, these valuable things are not what are pined for everyday of every week since the day of June 5th, 2012. 

      Not even close. Truly, the most valuable thing of all I have had for the least amount of time. In retrospect, it has grown more rapidly and with more fire than all those seemingly less important things. Young love maturing over time, growing together with the strength of an uncanny bond; in short, Anthony. This is the most valuable thing of all; the love shared between two people that was just reaching its cruising altitude. Suddenly, with little warning, the most tiresome of strains was put on this bond. Over the time since that day in June the bond was tested in ways that still aren't quite comprehensible. The effects of the trials are still being deciphered, and will continue to be as new challenges are brought forth. Now it seems like the challenge will never end, but only increase in difficulty. The bond that has been stretched across over 600 miles is still holding strong. It stares into the face of what tries to tear it apart and simply smiles. It knows better than to let the things that scare it most get the better of it. The bond takes two people to keep strong, and unknowingly to both parties, they are prevailing through one of the toughest predicaments young love can find itself within.

       Long distance. What I have is a long distance relationship. Phew! There I said it! Those words have not left my lips in that order, nor has it dawned on me that's what this is until very recently. I have been pondering what was the cause of my recent emotional fluctuations. I would be normal one day and very depressed the next; even to the point where I was considering the possibility that Anthony and I would not survive the strain of being separated. Then the next day I would be perfectly happy. In my quest to find an answer to my distress I discovered, by some intervention of God, that I had a long distance relationship. Only He knows why I didn't realize this before. I assume it was because I was still excited about the whole Navy thing to even notice. Buying Navy Girlfriend shirts, teddy bears in fatigues, and car magnets that say I <3 My Sailor to the backdrop of a Dixie cup had me floating on a cloud, far above the reality of the situation. Once the hype of the situation died down and school was in recess for the winter, did my mind slowly come down to Earth.

       In that coming down to Earth my brain realized that things weren't quite the same. It didn't know what to do with the new situation either. There is no school, no Anthony, just work and free time. Seems like the life for some people. For me, it is an emptiness with which I am not familiar. So my brain took it upon itself to find a way to cope with this new reality. I feel my mood swings were the result of my brain trying to figure out which balance it should use as the new operating mode. It would mess around with the wiring and mix of chemicals in there to see which combination provided the best conditions for healthy brain activity. Anthony and I could pick up on the drastic changes in mood from day to day. Though, I think it is still experimenting in there, the changes have decreased in intensity. I think that is a good sign that we are moving in a good direction. Hopefully, soon, I will have a new balance and be able to be on a steady emotional path until the next big change comes. Whatever it may be or whenever it may come, I'll be ready.