Yes, this is bad.
Or at least it could be. The time for enjoying the steady waves of Navy life has now been disrupted. A couple days ago Anthony told me that he was moving to a new room. He said it was still on base and that he would have new roommates. Yes, plural roommates. I thought ok, now they are starting to get the ball rolling with Anthony for the next phase of his journey. Until I got the text: "Ok honey. This is bad...". Here is where I start to sweat. He tells me that his new quarters are the "Navy's version of a juvenile correction facility." He would know, it wouldn't be his first time visiting one. He tells me there is a good side and bad side, and that he is on the good side because he didn't get in a fight or do anything bad. However, he is back in his grumpy mood. He is tired of being moved around so much in one year, even though that is pretty much what happens in the military. If it was possible for everything to get further up in the air, it has now reached new heights. There's still so many unknowns and Anthony is tired of always being asked about what is going on. I don't ask him often but every now and then, especially now with the new move, I'll innocently ask about it. I can't even do that with mr. cranky pants recently. I can't blame him for being this way. I'm sure my feathers would be just as ruffled if it were me.
Ironically, another Navy mom had messaged me about her son having a similar situation as Anthony, before my sailor was moved. Her son had been moved to the same place Anthony is now at. Unfortunately, her son is now leaving the Navy entirely and heading home. This is the new fear for Anthony. Both of our sailors were diagnosed with the same psychological condition (sounds worse than it is) and are now living in the same place. I'm not going to worry too much about it since Anthony doesn't even know what is going to happen. All I know is that whatever happens I will just take it as it comes and make the best out of it. It won't change how I feel about my sailor. I'm still going to love him even (and especially) if he comes knocking on my front door.
The worry for my sailor on top of my rigorous school work is tearing my brain in two. It gets hard to balance everything. Sometimes school is easy and my sailor is having a tough time. Other times school is quite straining and Anthony is content. Now both are wracking my brain. It's ok though, its not the first time this volatile combination has created a lighting storm in my head. I can't afford to over think things these days. I think I've been doing well so far keeping the peace at home and in SC. And thank God it is never as bad as it could be. I could be scraping by with living expenses and car insurance, but I'm not. I live in the "comfort" of my parents home, bills payed for by my parents, groceries and all. However I pay for my college out of my own pocket. If I worked full time I would probably be in my own place living easy, waiting to move down with Anthony. However, I want to finish school while I'm still getting a partial scholarship. Smart decision...right? Time will tell for all things.
See how off track I just got? The stress is starting to show.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Holding Steady
Hello, spring break! As my friends are off traveling I'm still home, and will be for the duration of the week, working everyday so I can afford college. Not like I would be on the next plane to Cancun even if I could be. Italy sounds better. Especially the Naval base in Naples. If Anthony could take me there I would forgive him for ever leaving me home in the first place. I'm just saying that would be wonderful compensation for all the sadness, anxiety and general loneliness. I'm kidding, leaving for the Navy requires no forgiving, but Naples would still be nice. I've done my fair share of learning Italian thanks to all the language requirements in high school and college. Ho studiato la lingua di Italia per due anni nella scuola e due semestre all'universita. (I studied the language of Italy for two years at school and two semesters in college.) It's been awhile since I've had to use it but I can conjure up a couple sentences now and again. It's been a dream of mine to visit Italy and it would be even more amazing if I got to share it with Anthony.
As for the current situation, our anniversary has come and gone and things generally are the same. Anthony is still enjoying this easy-going time as well as I. The action has plateaued for the moment and I admit it is quite nice. Though, I feel bad that Anthony is kind of wandering around while all his friends are still studying and stressing. He is in this awkward place in between Nuke and the fleet, or Nuke and wherever they plan to put my sailor. I've been hearing on the news lately about the possibility of the U.S. going to war with North Korea. God help us all. I told Anthony this morning that if we went to war and he got assigned to anything directly related to that I would be a mess. Might as well just bury me now. I told him that he just can't get hurt. We didn't even get started yet in life. How could I possibly go on? Seems dramatic, and the skeptics say I'm young so naturally there will be others. However, when you plan your future around one person and that person around you and then suddenly that foundation is demolished, who really has the motivation to keep going?
This is morbid, let's not worry about that right now. Let's try not to panic. Anthony said that the North Korea thing is "bad news", but still, nothing has happened yet. No use crying over milk that isn't spilled simply because it could be. Unless I hear from Anthony that he has been assigned to a base on the west coast, I won't get in a tizzy. I will continue to enjoy the current calm seas and hope the wind doesn't pick up.
As for the current situation, our anniversary has come and gone and things generally are the same. Anthony is still enjoying this easy-going time as well as I. The action has plateaued for the moment and I admit it is quite nice. Though, I feel bad that Anthony is kind of wandering around while all his friends are still studying and stressing. He is in this awkward place in between Nuke and the fleet, or Nuke and wherever they plan to put my sailor. I've been hearing on the news lately about the possibility of the U.S. going to war with North Korea. God help us all. I told Anthony this morning that if we went to war and he got assigned to anything directly related to that I would be a mess. Might as well just bury me now. I told him that he just can't get hurt. We didn't even get started yet in life. How could I possibly go on? Seems dramatic, and the skeptics say I'm young so naturally there will be others. However, when you plan your future around one person and that person around you and then suddenly that foundation is demolished, who really has the motivation to keep going?
This is morbid, let's not worry about that right now. Let's try not to panic. Anthony said that the North Korea thing is "bad news", but still, nothing has happened yet. No use crying over milk that isn't spilled simply because it could be. Unless I hear from Anthony that he has been assigned to a base on the west coast, I won't get in a tizzy. I will continue to enjoy the current calm seas and hope the wind doesn't pick up.
Friday, March 8, 2013
Merry March!
Hello, everyone! February is now another month in the past, taking with it most of the drama and stress that it brought about. Alot happened in this dark month, good and bad. Anthony had several mental breakdowns while I made strides in my collegiate career. Ironic, huh? Just when my sailor is at his most fragile state is when I make new friends and step into the real college experience. Maybe it is a way of coping, or just a coincidence. Either way I'm glad things are getting better for my sailor. He has now been pulled from his classes and no longer has to do homework or study. He still has to go in and do odd jobs to make sure he is accounted for, which isn't bad at all. He has all this free time now so he has been on facebook and skyping more. It is nice to hear Anthony talking like his old self every once in awhile even if it makes me miss him more. He has even said from his own mouth that he is happier now. Yahoo!
It's nice to know that things are looking up for my sailor. I love that Anthony has been taking better care of himself since the stress has lessened, though he is still drinking more often. He hasn't been reassigned yet, or at least I don't know if he has been. That is what I'm worried about right now. I hope he gets to do something he will enjoy, like head out on deployment, but it also make me weary. I don't know what happens out there on a ship and I haven't heard much about it either. All this unknown and unanswered questions will only be brought into the light when he's back from his first time out. Which, for all we know, could be tomorrow. I'm just afraid that once he gets out there it will not be any better for him and he'll go off the deep end again(no pun intended).
Not to be like this, but I'm also afraid of what not having contact with me will do to him. Also, if there is contact what is it limited to? I know that being in my sailor's pocket whenever he needs me has helped keep him on the stable side of sanity. So how will he take not having me within a couple button clicks away affect him? Will he even need me once hes out there or will he just love it? Only time, and Anthony, will tell. I have a feeling it will be like boot camp, only with emails, and no time to answer them. However, I am thankful that he won't be on any front lines in the way of any danger. The ocean is still a scary place, anything can happen out there. It is a powerful force of nature that is inescapable when your a sitting duck. I'm just worried about his safety. He needs to come home, everytime, healthy, until this is all over. I am thankful to the Navy for letting him see the good life he has and all the good people in it. In taking his life in Jersey and making it seem like a mirage, the Navy opened his eyes to everything he left behind. Most budding sailors are fresh out of high school, leaving nothing behind but an xbox, maybe a car, and a few buddies. Anthony now knows what he has left, and one day, we'll pick it back up and continue building the life we dream about.
On another note, our anniversary is coming up fast. March 12 will be our 4 year anniversary. Four years! Four years full of love, heartache, ups and downs, more love, rabbits, cats, houses, cars, and even more love. We had a rocky start but things have steadily improved. He openly talks about getting engaged. This would have never ever happened a year ago. I wouldn't trade Anthony for anything in the world. He's far too special to let go of easily. Why else would I stick it out just to have him join the Navy and leave three-and-a-half years later? Though, in the early days, neither of us saw this growing into what it has become. Anthony certainly didn't see this coming. He likes tall, pale blonde girls and I am the total opposite; a short, olive brunette. We still joke about it from time to time. I used to always be afraid that he would just up and leave one day when he had enough. It almost got to that point, too, but he could never bring himself to cut me out. Something was telling him not to let me go. His final plan was to end our relationship when he left for the Navy. He had this thought floating around since he signed the contract almost a year ago. He told me that three months before he left he made the decision that he wanted me to stay in his life. He just couldn't let me go even though everything he wanted in a woman could still be out there. Now, he has a new definition of what he wants.
It's nice to know that things are looking up for my sailor. I love that Anthony has been taking better care of himself since the stress has lessened, though he is still drinking more often. He hasn't been reassigned yet, or at least I don't know if he has been. That is what I'm worried about right now. I hope he gets to do something he will enjoy, like head out on deployment, but it also make me weary. I don't know what happens out there on a ship and I haven't heard much about it either. All this unknown and unanswered questions will only be brought into the light when he's back from his first time out. Which, for all we know, could be tomorrow. I'm just afraid that once he gets out there it will not be any better for him and he'll go off the deep end again(no pun intended).
Not to be like this, but I'm also afraid of what not having contact with me will do to him. Also, if there is contact what is it limited to? I know that being in my sailor's pocket whenever he needs me has helped keep him on the stable side of sanity. So how will he take not having me within a couple button clicks away affect him? Will he even need me once hes out there or will he just love it? Only time, and Anthony, will tell. I have a feeling it will be like boot camp, only with emails, and no time to answer them. However, I am thankful that he won't be on any front lines in the way of any danger. The ocean is still a scary place, anything can happen out there. It is a powerful force of nature that is inescapable when your a sitting duck. I'm just worried about his safety. He needs to come home, everytime, healthy, until this is all over. I am thankful to the Navy for letting him see the good life he has and all the good people in it. In taking his life in Jersey and making it seem like a mirage, the Navy opened his eyes to everything he left behind. Most budding sailors are fresh out of high school, leaving nothing behind but an xbox, maybe a car, and a few buddies. Anthony now knows what he has left, and one day, we'll pick it back up and continue building the life we dream about.
On another note, our anniversary is coming up fast. March 12 will be our 4 year anniversary. Four years! Four years full of love, heartache, ups and downs, more love, rabbits, cats, houses, cars, and even more love. We had a rocky start but things have steadily improved. He openly talks about getting engaged. This would have never ever happened a year ago. I wouldn't trade Anthony for anything in the world. He's far too special to let go of easily. Why else would I stick it out just to have him join the Navy and leave three-and-a-half years later? Though, in the early days, neither of us saw this growing into what it has become. Anthony certainly didn't see this coming. He likes tall, pale blonde girls and I am the total opposite; a short, olive brunette. We still joke about it from time to time. I used to always be afraid that he would just up and leave one day when he had enough. It almost got to that point, too, but he could never bring himself to cut me out. Something was telling him not to let me go. His final plan was to end our relationship when he left for the Navy. He had this thought floating around since he signed the contract almost a year ago. He told me that three months before he left he made the decision that he wanted me to stay in his life. He just couldn't let me go even though everything he wanted in a woman could still be out there. Now, he has a new definition of what he wants.
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