A Very Fond Farewell

      It is quite the bittersweet ending. I wanted to tell you all once it was official, which would have been yesterday, but I just can't wait any longer. My last post alluded to something that I still have conflicted feelings over. It is a great sigh of relief and cause for excitement, but it is also a source of new worries with a hint of sadness. As you all have been well aware of since the beginning, my sailor has had trouble adjusting to Navy life. He liked nuke school, but hated the system. He liked the fleet, but hated the system. A never ending tale of repetitive disappointment. Not so much for me but for my sailor. I can't say I'm disappointed. I'm impressed he left to begin with so anything he has done since then has impressed me. I am more proud of him now then I ever was. I enjoyed almost everything about his journey and what it has done for us. Aside from mental breakdowns and having an insane crush on a midshipwoman for two weeks, of course. That story still makes me want to vomit. Still can't get mad though, we both have had our downfalls with each other being away. But that's not why I'm here today.
       If you didn't figure it out by now I'll just come out with it. My sailor is coming home. Forever. Honorably discharged for "general" reasons. Thank God its honorable. That was my one rule for him getting out - it had to be honorable. Sometime in mid-October Anthony will be returning home to a place which now seems like some sort of miniature heaven to him. His family, friends, cars, me, and freedom. What more could a guy ask for? I could name a few thousand things but for this sailor we'll take it one step at a time. It will be very bizarre having him home where I can see him in ten minutes if I wanted to. He said himself that it will take some time for him to get back in the swing of things and to get used to me beside him. Cooking for him and showering him with love will seem strange for awhile. It's been quite awhile since we've been able to be together without thinking of how long it will be until next time. Being together more often then not is a concept we're both going to need some time to understand. 
        It has been an incredible journey. We learned so much about ourselves and things we thought we knew. I could fill a book with all the life lessons. It is truly a blessing. I couldn't have asked for a better Navy experience for Anthony. He got to go through boot camp, excel in A School, see a portion Power School, and hit the fleet all in one year. And no deployment! Just a few under-ways! What a perfectly well-rounded Navy experience. Anthony still wishes he could have had another shot at Power School but that's just not how it works. It's still a bummer. Sometimes I wish he could have liked it. I wish he could have not had problems with the system. He did, however, enjoy the nuke school environment and the mechanics of his job aboard the Wasp. I know he is smart enough and perfectly capable of handling the Navy but his pride, high standards and morals wouldn't let him. Which isn't all that bad. I like his high standards and morals. It's what makes him desirable and different. It's what makes him my favorite person. However, I will always wonder if me marrying him and moving on base would have helped him cope. I will always wonder if I could have helped him even more, if I could have kept him in the Navy. These questions will linger forever as there will not be a chance to find out.
       As for the status of me right now, I've just started my senior year of college. I received more scholarship money this time but am on my own for next semester. The engagement setting Anthony and I picked out has been sized and is currently hiding in my house until my sailor comes home. Then I'll pass it over to him to finish and hold onto until the time comes. I've already been writing things down and getting my network together for the big day. I don't want to forget certain things like what songs I want played at the reception, potential photographers/videographers, etc. I'm way ahead of myself but it can't hurt to keep things in mind. I've also been working on getting Anthony to agree to wear his uniform for the ceremony. He's been reluctant so far but it's a work in progress. He's slowly beginning to consider it. As for family situations my dad isn't really happy that Anthony is getting out of the Navy so soon. He's an Army vet from back in Vietnam so he's still bitter about the whole thing. Oh well, tough cookies for him. 
      
      So my journey as a Navy Girlfriend will be coming to a close. It was good while it lasted but it will be even better once it's over. I will have my former sailor home with me right where he should be. I am grateful for the experience and recommend it to others. I'm just happy that this journey is doing a 180. Lord only knows how much longer we could have lasted being away from each other. We learned that we are a unique couple capable of overcoming grand obstacles. We learned that we understand eachother's boundaries and qwerks better then our families do. We learned that we are stronger together then we are apart. There will be new challenges once Anthony returns home but we will face them together. Together, a tool we did not have for 14 months. A tool we managed to survive without but just by the skin of our teeth. It was a good ride, but I'm sure glad we can get off and go home now.



Thank you all so much for following my story! Best of luck to all sailors and their families! 



 I will continue to keep my blog open for future readers.


 

Coming Soon

       Hello everyone! How have all of your summers been? I hope they were as fun-filled and relaxing as mine. This has been my second summer without Anthony and I must say it wasn't quite as sad as the first. Of course I missed Anthony during the good beach days and early morning bike rides, the nights at home and the good times with friends. Despite the moments of loneliness I felt hopeful. I'm here today because I have wonderful news to share with all of you. That does, however, depend on your definition of wonderful news.
       Anthony has been underway a total of three times so far. Two one-week trips and one two-week trip. This coming Monday my sailor will be underway for three weeks. He enjoys the mechanics of his job and working with the machines, however he has still not become acclimated to Navy life. He refuses to talk with me about his short trips to sea. He always says he doesn't want to talk about it. It makes me rather nervous to think about what could be so bad. I don't pry, though. I just give a reluctant, alright, and move along in conversation. One good thing is that Anthony has been seeing a counselor. He actually enjoys it and says it has been helping him. What a relief! I can only play psychiatrist for so long. Maybe if it was my major. One big stumbling block for a short time was the heart-wrenching "I have something to tell you" line. Yes, while my sailor was out at sea, he met a someone. A midshipman. A girl who's name I shall not mention. Just thinking about it makes my skin crawl. He says nothing happened with them but he was completely infatuated for the short time they were together. He is also withholding some information until he returns home. That makes me extra nervous. If "nothing happened" then what could he have to say that he will only say in person? Ugh, I feel nauseous. Aside from this, during the time I have been absent things were pretty mellow. My sailor was busy doing his Navy thing the way only Anthony could do it, and I was busy working, worrying about him, and taking vacations. It was a good summer if I do say so myself.
      I do still hold my breath every underway until he gets back. I'm very afraid for his safety and mental health. It's a tough job I've have had for the past 14 months, and for you, my dear readers, I can only wonder what journeys your sailors will be on. I can only hope that every sailor will return home safe and sound. I have been amazed at the communities I've come across while being a Navy girlfriend. All of you good people coming together to support each other is such a heart warming thing. I'm grateful for the support I have received on my own journey.
       I feel happy, excited, and still anxious. Anthony will return the end of August, and by the beginning of September you will all know why my heart sings with joy. It is slightly bittersweet, but is it just want this girl and her sailor needs! See you all then!

Summer Break

Hello all,

      I just wanted to let you know that I won't be posting as often this summer. Things are very much up in the air and I need time to collect everything together into a concise thought. Also, I will be on a couple vacations so I will be away from the internet for quite some time. While my relationship remains stable with my sailor his relationship with the Navy is not. Anthony isn't the same since his most recent trip out to see. He returned this morning and was very different from when he left. We both saw this change emerging when he left and now it is full blown. He still holds onto his hope of leaving the Navy for good. An option, which I think, is truly the best for him. If he stays in the Navy he won't come out alive. If only he had consulted me before he made the decision to join, this whole situation could have been avoided. I would have pointed out to him all the ways in which he is not compatible with military life. I do realize that he needed to go in order to find out that it wouldn't work. The Navy also helped him to appreciate the life he had before and how important all the people are who love him. As for now we are trying to come to a peaceful agreement so he can make his way back home. I will return when I have a better grip on the situation. Until then, good luck to all sailors and their families.

I Feel Like Reminiscing...

   Hello, all! How about this crazy weather lately? Rain and tropical storms and not a good beach weekend yet. It's June and I haven't seen the beach on a nice summer day. What the heck! Anywho, things are going rather well for my sailor. He came back safe and sound from being "under way" out in the Atlantic. It was a good experience for him. He didn't have many complaints other than the tiring 6-6 shift. He managed to stay on top of his sleep thanks to nuke school. There he was inadvertently prepared to run off less sleep in the fleet. For the first time, Anthony said he liked what he was doing. That is such a big relief for me. Enjoying his job is the best thing possible after knowing how unhappy he was in nuke school. It's was we as humans strive for. Needless to say I am thrilled that I can breathe easy. Of course, I couldn't hold back as I bombarded him with questions about his first journey. He told me about working in the engine room and fixing oil leaks. He told me about how he stood up for himself and his shipmates on a few occasions, of which I was very proud. He told me about how the boat moves in the water and how dark it is at night. I was hanging on his every word. I can't wait for him to get underway again.
   We have another milestone today! My dearest best bud who left for boot camp in April is graduating today! As I type the ceremony is probably coming to a close. It has made me very reminiscent lately. I've been thinking back to Anthony's graduation and how far he's come since then. I remember everything about his big day; where we sat, the shuttle we took there (which was really an SUV), the musty hotel room, the aura of the base, how we got yelled at when an escorting sailor opened the door to the hanger too early. I remember walking by someone who had the same dress on as me and we eyeballed each other. I remember trembling as I video-taped nearly the entire ceremony. I remember how I felt like I could pass out when I spotted Anthony on the screen of my camera. Nothing else in life mattered in those moments. I can imagine how my best bud's mom feels, and his dad and whoever else went. Such a time of joy and pride! I will never ever forget that day for the rest of my life.
   Also as I type, my favorite sailor is driving home to visit! Yay for the first weekend visit! He already said there is traffic, but oh well. Hopefully he'll be here by dinner time. We've got a lot to catch up on. Now that the Navy scene is no longer a major issue, the next major issue makes me squeasy. For some time Anthony and I have been going back and forth on the wedding subject. He wants it asap and I want to wait until we have the money for a regular church ceremony and reception. He's been battling me on this but I'm not budging. It's every girl's dream and I'm going to get my too dammit! It's too soon for this kind of conversation anyway, I don't have the ring yet. Still waiting for the jewelers to call and tell me it's here. Any day now! Until then we'll keep it brief but also be sure we're on the same page. It's coming soon, I can tell!
     

Weigh Anchor!

Yay!

   Finally, the day after my sailor's 23rd birthday, Anthony set sail! Yahoo! Aboard the first vessel built to carry helicopters, Anthony will take a one week journey to North Carolina and back. He said its for "sea trials", whatever that may mean. All I know is this is what Anthony has really been wanting since he left. Not his first choice of vessel but oh well, its better than schooling. I'm so happy that he is finally on a ship out at sea. I'm even more happy that it is only for one little week. Just enough time for my sailor to get his feet wet (no pun intended). Sleeping on board, working in the engine room, wearing the coveralls instead of the working uniform, the whole nine yards. Things have been going much better in Norfolk then at NNPTC. Anthony says he has had three people mistake him for a midshipman. Which means that Anthony puts off the vibe that he is training to be an officer. Perhaps others think this because of his speech or the way he carries himself. I'm glad they see him differently than the other MMs. Being a former Nuke and all, Anthony says his fellow shipmates always tell him to stop using such big words. He's making a good impression of which I am very proud. 
   What's worth being even more proud is the fact that this marks Anthony's first completed year in the Navy. One year ago today my favorite person left his home and all he had to pave a new path. A path which I commend him for paving. He could have taken the easy road he was already on but he decided that wasn't challenging enough for him. He wanted to do something big. He left for boot with a somewhat positive attitude. The hotel he had to stay at before he left always feels sad when I pass it by. It reminds me of the last time he was a normal civilian like me, before he had to learn a new vocabulary, ranks, creases and folds. Though, he is not vastly different then when he left that day. He is still the same old Anthony but with a crispy uniform and a new place to live and work. When I stop and think of all that has happened in this past year it makes me thankful to be a part of this experience. From letters at boot camp, to graduations, to coming home for Christmas and surprising me at work, I wouldn't trade this for anything.
    I will miss Anthony being in Goose Creek, though. Charleston is such a nice town that I would like to visit again. I will always remember it in the light of the Navy. Now I get to see Virginia, the next chapter in the book of a sailor. I am very proud of his progress so far, despite his falling out with NNPTC. I know he was smart enough to handle the material but the rigorous landscape of the course proved too difficult. After all, that school has just been ranked above Harvard Law. Harvard! No wonder! School just isn't Anthony's forte. Now he gets to do actual Navy things. So exciting! I asked him if he would ever consider actually being a midshipman but that requires going to school again. As we learned before that is just not a good idea. While it would be nice to call him officer, have a fancier uniform and more respect, history would just repeat itself. No use in getting into another mess. All my sailor wanted was to be out on a boat, and finally the time has come. I sure hope it was everything he wanted it to be.
   I haven't had contact with Anthony for about three days now. I'm very anxious to hear how his first journey went. There are so many questions I have for him, and some news from the home front. I want to ask him about everything. How he slept, how he ate, what work he did, if they hazed him, etc. I'm just dying to know everything. I can't wait until he returns in a few days. I am surprised at how little of a reaction I'm having to this no contact. It's almost like it doesn't bother me. I don't know whether to consider this a good thing or a bad thing. It really surprises me that I don't have the urge to text him every hour or call him at night. I just live my days like this is a normal thing. Should I be more bothered that I haven't spoken to him in three days? Maybe it's the boot camp mentality coming back. I had to bear with it then then so maybe I'm just referring back to that setting.
    Aside from that, I will be patiently waiting by my phone to receive word from my sailor. I can't wait to hear all about his first time at sea!

Surprise, Surprise!

Haven't I just had the best two weeks!

     My sailor was so sneaky and surprised me with a visit home hardly one week after his scheduled visit! How lucky am I! It played out as something I had only ever dreamed about. It was a perfectly normal Thursday. Work was nothing more than usual, aside from the pouring rain outside. I was quietly shifting through my files when my office b-f-f Steph got called by the receptionist. She turned to me after hanging up and said, "Tiff just said to send you up front..." A request like this is odd, since I only ever go up front to cover Tiff's lunch, which I already did that day. I thought that maybe it would be to cover for her because she was called into her supervisor's office. Seemed to be the only logical explanation. Steph smelled something fishy and was concerned so she walked up front with me. I wasn't as bothered by it so I just shrugged it off and headed up front. I can still picture what I saw when I turned into the doorway to the reception area. I saw a blonde-haired blue-eyed sailor in dress whites with a small bouquet of flowers, grinning from ear to ear. I could not even fathom what was in front of me. I turned around and looked again before asking, "Is this real...is this really happening?" I hesitated to walk around to the front of the counter; I was in such shock. Steph said, "What are you waiting for! Go up there, hug him!" She was just as amazed as I was. I would often sit at my little desk and day dream of Anthony surprising me by showing up at my office. Now here he was, step by step making my dreams come true. I couldn't have done that better myself. I made my way around to hug him, still in a state of disbelief that he was before me. I showed him around my office and introduced him to my co-workers who had only heard stories about him. It was such a wonderful moment in our history together.
     Phew! That was a long paragraph. Anthony was able to come home again so soon because of his transition to the Norfolk base. They gave him two days of travel time, which occurred in conjunction with a weekend and a holiday. It was truly a gift from God that the timing fell so perfectly. He had a five day visit after having a weeks stay not long before. It was great seeing Anthony again. We hung out a lot together just doing normal couple things. We had sleepovers and I cooked him dinner, we played video games and did recreational activities. We had a great time as his dad's Memorial Day bbq. We played darts, pretended to golf, played soccer and frisbee, and rode dirt bikes. My body still hurts from all the activities. Then we relaxed with a drink or two by the bond fire. It was such a nice weekend. Anthony had his car so he drove everywhere and paid for everything. It really was like we were a normal couple. 
    But who wants to be normal? In small doses it is quite nice, but who wants to be normal these days? Not that being a normal couple is a bad thing, I just think its a little too hum-drum for me. I had the opportunity to have a normal relationship with another man but I chose not to. I wanted the exciting life of Anthony, even before he was in the Navy. The Navy has only spiced up things. It has opened the door for new things to happen with us and I can only be grateful for that. As much as it sucks to not have Anthony around whenever I want him, I think that is a unique obstacle. One that we have over come thus far and continue to be triumphant over. Anthony and I have always said that we are not a Navy couple. We're aren't the like those who get married as soon as they come out of boot camp simply to get on base housing and a bigger paycheck. We're going to do that because that's what we wanted to do even before the Navy perks. 
    As of now, my sailor is safe and sound on his ship in Norfolk (fortunately, said ship will not be leaving port any time soon). He arrived this morning and has been getting acquainted all day. I hope this can finally give him some satisfaction with his decision to join. He has been taking it pretty hard that he had to leave home behind once more, too. It's something that I have come to terms with. It is always going to hurt, everytime. There's no changing that. What we can change is how we react. We can either be horribly heart broken, or we can be excited for the new adventure at hand. It will take some time to heal, I know. It always does. At least we can get a grip on the situation and avoid depression and mental instability. Luckily I have managed to build up an immunity to this emotional trauma. I can enjoy Anthony being home and being away; especially now that he has a ship to tend to and new friends to make. I might be more excited than Anthony is! I just hope his new shipmates play nice. I don't want to hear any stories of hazing or by God I'll come down there and teach those boys a lesson!

Welcome to the Military

Gah!
    
    When will it end? When will we ever know what is really going to happen? The day before that's when. In the military nothing will ever be known for certain until the moment it happens. Which totally stinks when you're trying to plan a life. First order of business, Anthony's orders have been recalled. He is no longer headed to Bahrain because he is not a "second class swimmer". They're just going to take someone who is already qualified rather than give Anthony the test to become qualified. I'm not really upset about that but I know my sailor was getting ready mentally for this voyage. We thought he finally had a direction until then they put the kebash on that. He was being such a good sailor and getting in touch with the command over there to see what was up. I feel so bad. They just can't seem to cut Anthony a break. By word of mouth, he said that they told him he would be going to Virginia still. This is not on paper yet so it's very unofficial. His previous orders are still accurate as of right now until they hand him the new ones. However we do know that they have been dismissed. 
    On a happier note, my sailor came home for a visit! Yayy! I was so happy to see him! His mom and I went to get him at the airport Thursday night. I remember feeling so nauseous watching each minute tick by. As the seemingly endless sea of passengers exited the gates I felt like I could throw up. None of them were Anthony and I was beginning to wonder where the heck he was. Then I saw a shimmer of blonde hair. I almost lost it. The only thing that stood between me and my favorite person was that damn cylindrical glass door thingy. I could almost break it if I wasn't weak in the knees. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity but was over in a flash, Anthony came through the glass door and was immediately greeted by his mom. Then he came over to me and we hugged so tight for so long. I made a scene in the middle of the airport by crying on him for like ten minutes. 
    My sailor's visit home was absolutely wonderful. I stayed with him that night he came him, then we headed to Wildwood the next morning for our two-night stay by the sea. It was really nice to have him with me. Just us for awhile. Some good time to bond and be together. It makes me fairly upset that it didn't last very long and was over in the blink of an eye. It's truly not fair. It almost feels like none of it even happened. After the weekend we came home on Mother's Day to see our moms. The rest of my sailor's time home would be spent with me, his mom, his dad, his brother and anyone else who could find time to say hello. It's moments like these when we appreciate the time we have with those we love.
    Now I wish I could go back and do it all over again. It all happened so fast I can hardly believe my sailor was home. I miss him so much. I know in the end this will all be worth it. It's just so darn hard to deal with until then. The way time moves he will be done his years in the Navy sooner than I expect. Words cannot express my joy when I had my sailor in my arms. Neither can words express my sorrow as I had to force myself to drive away from him. It is one of the hardest things I have had to do. I never ever want to voluntarily abandon him as he watches me fade into the distance. It tears my hear completely in two. My only hope is that he will make his way to Virgina and thus back home on the weekends. 
    In other happier news, while Anthony was home he and I made our way to the jewelry store. Guess who put in an order for an engagement setting? Anthony did! And he cringed as he slowly opened his wallet and let the moths out. It's rose gold and custom sized for my tiny hands. Anthony will do his diamond homework and pick one out on his own. I will pick up my setting when the jewelers call and then send it down to Anthony when he has a stable address. Then he can put the finishing touches and brace himself for the other moment we've all been waiting for!

 

The Moment We've All Been Waiting For!

Orders, finally!

    Hooray! Anthony won't be bored cleaning anymore! Thank God. It's about time they were ready to give him something more constructive to do. By the end of this month of May my sailor will be at his new base in Virginia Beach. It's much closer than Goose Creek, which means he'll be able to come home on the weekends! Just in time for summer and no school! I might actually get to see Anthony a few times a month. That would be such a big stress relief. I'm always worrying about him, I get that trait from my mother. She has got to be the biggest worry wart outside of South Philly. Darn Italians. Anyway, I'm so looking forward to this. I dont even mind his deployment location in the Persian Gulf, either. Possibly sometime in October he'll be shipped over seas for a tour, I suppose. I'm very excited that he is going to be out in the world doing something. I am a little conerned for his safety, of course. Being nestled in between Iraq, Iran, and Saudia Arabia doesn't sound very safe. Anthony's dad also said my sailor mentioned a gun ship. Anthony only told me he was doing coastal patrol. Who knows, it's too far away to know yet.
    As with good news there is always bad. Remember when I said that Anthony was planning to come home soon and we had a new plan all mapped out? Yea well once again a wrench has been thrown into the works. As Anthony was reading his orders to me his separation date rang a bell. According to his orders he is supposed to be separated from NNPTC while he is home on leave. My first thought was his orders were printed before he put in for leave but they didn't arrive until after he was approved. That seems to be the most logical. Why else would they schedule it for that day? You would think they would arrange it for before or after his leave. Before would have been great since then my sailor wouldn't have to take leave. There is about a two week gap from his separation date to his arrival date at Virginia. He could have just come home during that time and saved his days.
    So once again plans are suspended until Anthony talks with whoever he needs to to clear this up. He talks and acts like he is still coming home. Either he is confident that they will be willing to move things around or he is in denial. I, myself, can't get excited about his visit anymore. I'm way to nervous that they'll tell him he can't come home. Then I'll have to cancel the hotel reservations and lose money. It's not much but its just like throwing 65 bucks out the window. I want so badly to be excited and joyous that my sailor will be home soon but I just can't get in the spirit. That looming cloud of uncertainty is very nerve-wracking. I've said it before but I'll say it again, I just want to see my boyfriend of four years, is that too much to ask? 

    On a side note, I got a letter and a phone call from my buddy in boot camp! How unexpected, and wonderful! He is doing well aside from being sore. He said he wants to ride the ranks and eventually be a lieutenant or officer. More power to him!

It's Going To Be Okay

My sailor is coming home!

     For a visit, of course. In less that two weeks I will have my sailor in my arms. Plans have changed yet again as well. He is now flying home Thursday night and will fly back to SC the following Thursday morning. He won't be here for a week, more like 5 days, even though he took a weeks worth of leave. No matter though. The important thing is that he is going to be on his way home only hours after I finish my final exams. What good timing. He'll be home for his dad's birthday and Mother's Day. I booked our hotel in Wildwood for two nights for Car Show Weekend. We'll get some good quality time and I'm super happy with that. He'll also get plenty of time to see family when I go to work since I only took off a couple days. Everybody should be happy, and thats the problem.
     You see, whenever something goes right in my life something bad always has to counter it. It's like some demented checks and balances system that life has for me. The good that happened is that Anthony got approved for leave and will fly home, which means more time with him. I got a great deal on a good old-fashioned Wildwood hotel and this semester was an easy ride. Now the bad part starts. You already know about tuition going up, and now Anthony has managed to get himself written up. He's been losing it again starting yesterday. Well, he's been slowly losing it since Christmas but yesterday he plummeted. Two sailors in his same situation got their orders. One to West Virginia and the other to Maine. Maine of all places - Anthony's favorite. They got pulled from the Nuke program after Anthony did and they got their orders before he did. As you can guess he threw a fit. Got in trouble for that. Then while he was on the phone with me he threw his clothes iron on the concrete. I assume he broke it. I'm not sure specifically what got him written up, he didn't say why or what that will do to his career.
       He's doing a good job of making sure everyone knows he's not happy. He told me that he will tell the chiefs right to them. No wonder he hasn't gotten orders yet. This is what always happens to my poor sailor. It can be traced back to high school and beyond. He acts out when things aren't right and then others who are less vocal or violent get what they want first. That's just how things work. But what Anthony doesn't want to do he doesn't want to do. He doesn't bend to the will of other people, especially those he doesn't respect. He just doesn't have the right mindset for the military. Never did. You would think he would listen to me when I told him this was a bad idea, but no. He wasn't going to stay home, thus bending to my will, and now look. I told him from the word recruiter that I didn't think it would work. As I'm sure we would all like Anthony to stay and be on a good path I personally don't see it happening. It simply is not compatible with his nature.
     The recent drama has been particularly difficult to deal with. It almost makes you think that you are the one who is crazy. It makes you feel so powerless, like nothing you can say can make them feel at ease. When a person is that mentally unstable anything you say could set them off. In those instances when you yourself are afraid, you can't think of anything safe to say to the person on the other end of the line. You could say something harmless and they could twist it and add it to their discomfort. You just sit, quiet, and listen to them bang stuff around because they're so lost. You wonder, why did I even ask them to call me? What can I say? I'm not a therapist by any means, so when I'm put in these situations I just keep quiet. A patient voice waiting for the right moment to say, "It's going to be okay."

Nevermind.

Well so much for that.

      I told you last week that I was planning to see my sailor in about a month. I said I was flying down to Goose Creek to see him and staying with his married friends. Not anymore. Anthony couldn't get that many days in a row of special liberty so the whole thing is called off. I'm super bummed about it. I really need some time with my sailor. Just me and him and no one else. By some time I mean like 3 days of just us together. I guess that just isn't one of God's plans. It was hard enough as it was to find flights and come to grips with the hundreds I would spend just to get down there, now I have to grasp that I can't have him all to myself. I know it sounds selfish to butt out his family. I don't really want to, either. I like his family and I miss seeing them. I just want a few days. I'll take a couple, but I have to have one. At least one with just us.
      Why am I sharing him with his family you ask? Well, my dear readers, there is a new plan. Anthony decided to take leave and head home as soon as the semester is over. He didn't put in for it yet and hopefully there won't be any problems. We came to the consensus that it would be more cost effective for him to come up here. He would take the long drive on Thursday and get here sometime Friday afternoon. Perfect timing, since I get off work at three pm on Fridays. Then the plan is to steal him away on Saturday and head to the shore. It'll be car show weekend on the boardwalk! We'll stay over one night and head back Sunday. It's just under two hours to get there so we'll be home in no time. Then we'll see our moms for Mother's Day. I told him I would take off on Monday so we could hang out but I can't take off anymore days this time, especially if we're planning to go to Maine in July. Depending on how much leave he has he will stay through the week, but I have a feeling he'll be leaving on Thursday to be back in Goose Creek for Friday. Whatever happens I'll be happy that he'll be home where I can get to him in twenty minutes or less. 
      It's been particularly difficult being away from Anthony lately. I think it's because my best bud left for the Navy (and is probably getting his butt kicked at RTC as we speak). Now I'm pretty much alone. No one else I talk to knows Anthony and me like my buddy did. He could always make me feel better. Even though he thought it unattractive when I cried he would still let me lean on him when I needed to. I am adjusting rather quickly, though, thank God. How many times can a girl see off her good friends before she looses her marbles?
     As for what Anthony is up to the situation remains the same. Oh, and remember when I said he moved again? He only got another room because the air conditioning broke in his other one. He liked it being broken, though. He's like me in that neither of us really like air conditioning. Its always too cold when its on. Anyway, Anthony has just been getting frustrated that he is still just floating at NNPTC. He has said before he either wants to be deployed or go home. This busy work and duty to fill up his time is getting old fast. 

     I just miss him. Like. A lot. Hopefully I'll see him in 3 weeks! 

     On a side note, I was recently informed that some people don't appreciate me posting on the Navy FB groups about my blog. I also learned that some people have a problem with what I write about my sailor. One person even called it "offensive". I was so caught off guard by that. I can't imagine what could be that bad. If anyone would like to fill me in or leave opinions, please help me out by commenting or messaging. Thank you everyone.

Attention Passengers

Hello everyone.

     Fine weather lately, eh? At least here in the northeast spring finally sprung. My little garden is so full of blooms, it is relaxing to go out back to just sit and enjoy the colors. It is the only quiet time I can get around here lately. I've got the biggest headache and oncoming cold that I so don't need right now. My school work has finally kicked it into college gear after cruising along all semester. For the first time since December I have been working on school stuff from the time I get home from work to the time I shower and hit the hay. My head is constantly spinning with all the things I have to do. Maybe that's why I suddenly caught a cold. 
     Anywho, Anthony got moved again. I'm not sure to where, I didn't ask since he doesn't really like remembering anything Navy about his day. It must have not been a big deal. He said he would tell me later that day when he would call but I guess we both forgot to bring it up. That's the only change I have to report for Anthony. The rest of the action was on my end of the deal since my last update. Let me give you the bad news first. I got a letter from New Jersey's tuition aid sector saying that my partial scholarship money has been cut by more than half for the remainder of the year. Oh, great. Just when I'll be taking another cut in hours at work due to school is when it gets more expensive. As I'm sure I mentioned before I pay the difference out of pocket to avoid loans and debt. I pay about $2500 out of my own paycheck per semester. Now it will double. Great. Just wonderful. Sure, it's better than having tens of thousands in loans, but its also not as good as having your parents pay for it. 
     Moving on. My best guy friend is also leaving for the Navy on Tuesday. Why must God take all my sanity away from me? He has been such a help supporting me while Anthony has been away. I already feel like I'm going to be lost. I have known him longer than I've known Anthony. I don't trust other men with my life like I do with him, not even Anthony. I know that my best bud would jump in front of a bullet for me while Anthony would keep himself from harm. It's just Anthony's nature to protect himself before anyone else, which I understand...to a point. I know my best bud will be fine adjusting to the Navy life but I worry if he can handle the material they teach down there.
     On the positive I am currently planning a trip to Goose Creek! It's a big pain in the neck to get a decent flight for a good price. I managed to find something I can work with, though, and should be heading down to see my sailor in about a month. As long as he can get special leave for Wednesday through Friday I can deal with him having duty on Saturday. I'll sacrifice that day to have him for some more time on Sunday. I'll be home in time for my sister's graduation from Rutgers on Monday, too. This has really been the source of my headache lately. It is so painstaking to figure out what flight goes where I want it to at the time I want it to, and the same for coming home. It's so expensive to fly but its leaps and bounds faster than driving 11 hours. I'll be there in about 4 total! Yahoo! This is still tentative until Monday when Anthony goes to put in for special leave. Cross your fingers!
        Lets recap: College payments double, best friends goes into the Navy, school work on overload, and planning to see Anthony...oh wait! I forgot the best part! Anthony, Mr. Fear of Commitment, has saved his money and is currently ring shopping! I don't want to get too excited still, but he has been looking at my favorite designer, Verragio (no plug intended). He said one of the things we can do when I head down is hit the jewelry stores. I am sooooo ok with that! I had already given him examples of what I like and he is doing good so far. He even pointed out rose gold, which I didn't consider because it was more expensive. I'm ok with that too! The more (or the bigger) the merrier!

April Showers Bring May Flowers

          I'd like to believe that's true despite the flowers in my garden already blooming. The start of April means the beginning of the end...for this semester, that is. Once the calendar page turns it's only a matter of time before May arrives, and then the semester is practically over. Then, only then can I actually make a plan to see my sailor. Considering, of course, that he is still availible for visiting. I tried to make a few arrangements before now but nothing could come together. It has been a bit of a struggle and I just want to be able to see my boyfriend of four years, is that so much to ask? The Navy thinks so. They would like it if I never came to see him at all. That's not happening. Regardless, its been going to my head that I haven't seen my sailor since Christmas. Christmas for God's sake! The injustice! It's not fair. It's all for a reason, but its just not fair. 
        I tried to plan a trip during spring break in March, but my tight budget and lack of flexible scheduling proved unworkable. Its always a heart breaker when you think there is a possibility you will see your sailor but it falls through. Take last night, for instance. The Art Students League at Rutgers is taking a trip to Washington, DC this coming Saturday to go to all the free museums. I thought there might be a small glimmer of hope that Anthony would be able to come up and meet me there for the excursion. Silly me did not think that DC is only 3 hours away from me and about 8 hours away from Anthony. Not quite half way as I had dreamed it would be. I still told Anthony about my little idea and we both agreed it just didn't make much sense. 
         What does a girl have to do to see some Navy cake these days? Make a wicked pay check so she can buy an expensive airline ticket and hotel room. As luck and generous people would have it, Anthony's married friends said that I could stay with them if I ever did go back down. I thought that was so nice of them. That would save me a bundle if I didn't have to get a hotel room. Then I would just have to worry about the 500 dollar plane ticket. Isn't that insane? Coach seats! Not first class, coach! Give me a break. All this money in the way of me and Anthony. Time and money. I wouldn't mind the time at all but I do mind the money. Tax refund would help but I need that to pay for school. Round and round we go and when I'll see my sailor...well, nobody knows. 

"This is bad"

Yes, this is bad.

         Or at least it could be. The time for enjoying the steady waves of Navy life has now been disrupted. A couple days ago Anthony told me that he was moving to a new room. He said it was still on base and that he would have new roommates. Yes, plural roommates. I thought ok, now they are starting to get the ball rolling with Anthony for the next phase of his journey. Until I got the text: "Ok honey. This is bad...". Here is where I start to sweat. He tells me that his new quarters are the "Navy's version of a juvenile correction facility." He would know, it wouldn't be his first time visiting one. He tells me there is a good side and bad side, and that he is on the good side because he didn't get in a fight or do anything bad. However, he is back in his grumpy mood. He is tired of being moved around so much in one year, even though that is pretty much what happens in the military. If it was possible for everything to get further up in the air, it has now reached new heights. There's still so many unknowns and Anthony is tired of always being asked about what is going on. I don't ask him often but every now and then, especially now with the new move, I'll innocently ask about it. I can't even do that with mr. cranky pants recently. I can't blame him for being this way. I'm sure my feathers would be just as ruffled if it were me.
         Ironically, another Navy mom had messaged me about her son having a similar situation as Anthony, before my sailor was moved. Her son had been moved to the same place Anthony is now at. Unfortunately, her son is now leaving the Navy entirely and heading home. This is the new fear for Anthony. Both of our sailors were diagnosed with the same psychological condition (sounds worse than it is) and are now living in the same place. I'm not going to worry too much about it since Anthony doesn't even know what is going to happen. All I know is that whatever happens I will just take it as it comes and make the best out of it. It won't change how I feel about my sailor. I'm still going to love him even (and especially) if he comes knocking on my front door.
         The worry for my sailor on top of my rigorous school work is tearing my brain in two. It gets hard to balance everything. Sometimes school is easy and my sailor is having a tough time. Other times school is quite straining and Anthony is content. Now both are wracking my brain. It's ok though, its not the first time this volatile combination has created a lighting storm in my head. I can't afford to over think things these days. I think I've been doing well so far keeping the peace at home and in SC. And thank God it is never as bad as it could be. I could be scraping by with living expenses and car insurance, but I'm not. I live in the "comfort" of my parents home, bills payed for by my parents, groceries and all. However I pay for my college out of my own pocket. If I worked full time I would probably be in my own place living easy, waiting to move down with Anthony. However, I want to finish school while I'm still getting a partial scholarship. Smart decision...right? Time will tell for all things. 

See how off track I just got? The stress is starting to show.

Holding Steady

           Hello, spring break! As my friends are off traveling I'm still home, and will be for the duration of the week, working everyday so I can afford college. Not like I would be on the next plane to Cancun even if I could be. Italy sounds better. Especially the Naval base in Naples. If Anthony could take me there I would forgive him for ever leaving me home in the first place. I'm just saying that would be wonderful compensation for all the sadness, anxiety and general loneliness. I'm kidding, leaving for the Navy requires no forgiving, but Naples would still be nice. I've done my fair share of learning Italian thanks to all the language requirements in high school and college. Ho studiato la lingua di Italia per due anni nella scuola e due semestre all'universita. (I studied the language of Italy for two years at school and two semesters in college.) It's been awhile since I've had to use it but I can conjure up a couple sentences now and again. It's been a dream of mine to visit Italy and it would be even more amazing if I got to share it with Anthony.
         As for the current situation, our anniversary has come and gone and things generally are the same. Anthony is still enjoying this easy-going time as well as I. The action has plateaued for the moment and I admit it is quite nice. Though, I feel bad that Anthony is kind of wandering around while all his friends are still studying and stressing. He is in this awkward place in between Nuke and the fleet, or Nuke and wherever they plan to put my sailor. I've been hearing on the news lately about the possibility of the U.S. going to war with North Korea. God help us all. I told Anthony this morning that if we went to war and he got assigned to anything directly related to that I would be a mess. Might as well just bury me now. I told him that he just can't get hurt. We didn't even get started yet in life. How could I possibly go on? Seems dramatic, and the skeptics say I'm young so naturally there will be others. However, when you plan your future around one person and that person around you and then suddenly that foundation is demolished, who really has the motivation to keep going?
         This is morbid, let's not worry about that right now. Let's try not to panic. Anthony said that the North Korea thing is "bad news", but still, nothing has happened yet. No use crying over milk that isn't spilled simply because it could be. Unless I hear from Anthony that he has been assigned to a base on the west coast, I won't get in a tizzy. I will continue to enjoy the current calm seas and hope the wind doesn't pick up.

Merry March!

         Hello, everyone! February is now another month in the past, taking with it most of the drama and stress that it brought about. Alot happened in this dark month, good and bad. Anthony had several mental breakdowns while I made strides in my collegiate career. Ironic, huh? Just when my sailor is at his most fragile state is when I make new friends and step into the real college experience. Maybe it is a way of coping, or just a coincidence. Either way I'm glad things are getting better for my sailor. He has now been pulled from his classes and no longer has to do homework or study. He still has to go in and do odd jobs to make sure he is accounted for, which isn't bad at all. He has all this free time now so he has been on facebook and skyping more. It is nice to hear Anthony talking like his old self every once in awhile even if it makes me miss him more. He has even said from his own mouth that he is happier now. Yahoo!
         It's nice to know that things are looking up for my sailor. I love that Anthony has been taking better care of himself since the stress has lessened, though he is still drinking more often. He hasn't been reassigned yet, or at least I don't know if he has been. That is what I'm worried about right now. I hope he gets to do something he will enjoy, like head out on deployment, but it also make me weary. I don't know what happens out there on a ship and I haven't heard much about it either. All this unknown and unanswered questions will only be brought into the light when he's back from his first time out. Which, for all we know, could be tomorrow. I'm just afraid that once he gets out there it will not be any better for him and he'll go off the deep end again(no pun intended).
        Not to be like this, but I'm also afraid of what not having contact with me will do to him. Also, if there is contact what is it limited to? I know that being in my sailor's pocket whenever he needs me has helped keep him on the stable side of sanity. So how will he take not having me within a couple button clicks away affect him? Will he even need me once hes out there or will he just love it? Only time, and Anthony, will tell. I have a feeling it will be like boot camp, only with emails, and no time to answer them. However, I am thankful that he won't be on any front lines in the way of any danger. The ocean is still a scary place, anything can happen out there. It is a powerful force of nature that is inescapable when your a sitting duck. I'm just worried about his safety. He needs to come home, everytime, healthy, until this is all over. I am thankful to the Navy for letting him see the good life he has and all the good people in it. In taking his life in Jersey and making it seem like a mirage, the Navy opened his eyes to everything he left behind. Most budding sailors are fresh out of high school, leaving nothing behind but an xbox, maybe a car, and a few buddies. Anthony now knows what he has left, and one day, we'll pick it back up and continue building the life we dream about.
        On another note, our anniversary is coming up fast. March 12 will be our 4 year anniversary. Four years! Four years full of love, heartache, ups and downs, more love, rabbits, cats, houses, cars, and even more love. We had a rocky start but things have steadily improved. He openly talks about getting engaged. This would have never ever happened a year ago. I wouldn't trade Anthony for anything in the world. He's far too special to let go of easily. Why else would I stick it out just to have him join the Navy and leave three-and-a-half years later? Though, in the early days, neither of us saw this growing into what it has become. Anthony certainly didn't see this coming. He likes tall, pale blonde girls and I am the total opposite; a short, olive brunette. We still joke about it from time to time. I used to always be afraid that he would just up and leave one day when he had enough. It almost got to that point, too, but he could never bring himself to cut me out. Something was telling him not to let me go. His final plan was to end our relationship when he left for the Navy. He had this thought floating around since he signed the contract almost a year ago. He told me that three months before he left he made the decision that he wanted me to stay in his life. He just couldn't let me go even though everything he wanted in a woman could still be out there. Now, he has a new definition of what he wants.